1. Of course, we start off by getting our Coming Out Care Package, which includes a gift card to H&M, a BeDazzler, Beyoncé’s entire discography, a can of Dole pineapple chunks in 100% pineapple juice, a pair of those tiny socks you wear below your shoe line so it looks like you’re not wearing socks but then your feet don’t smell, the first season of Will & Grace on DVD, a bag of rainbow jelly beans, a white iPhone, a jar of glitter, a pair of really cute underwear, and a 50% off coupon to Sephora. Also the “Personal Life” section of our Wikipedia pages gets automatically updated.
2. Our bones are actually 50% less dense than heterosexuals, so, at certain altitudes, we can actually float.
3. We get all the cupcakes we can eat, and they all have the perfect frosting-to-cake ratio, and they’re moist as heck.
4. RuPaul is automatically added to our phone’s contacts and we can call her whenever we want with whatever emergency we might find ourselves in and she’s legally obligated to rescue us.
5. We can talk to birds.
6. There’s a secret VGP (Very Gay Person) entry at all of your favorite clubs and we get in first.
7. We have a heightened sense of smell, and can communicate with only a series of clicks and jaw claps, like dolphins.
8. We’re not weighed down by society’s smothering expectations of what it means to be a dude or a lady. (Well, we are. But like. We don’t care.)
9. We can see colors that aren’t even on the spectrum that straight people can see.
10. Dogs like us more.