5:58 a.m. We’ll begin the day by rising with the sun in our joint mansion in the Hollywood Hills. The wedding ceremony will be held in Florence, and the reception in Paris, so we’ll be jetting there later in the morning. But we each requested that we begin the day with a casual morning at home.
8:00 a.m. Breakfast on the terrace in Florence. Shirtless Italian butlers serve us caffè e latte and biscuits with butter and jam. Fresh flowers will fill tiny vases on the table. The weather will be breezy but warm. This is a requirement.
9:00 a.m. We separate for hair and makeup. His hair will be tied in a bun, with braids dangling along his face, à la Legolas, son of Thranduil. My hair will be simple, yet elegant, parted along the side and brushed gently to the back, and spritzed with glitter so it glints softly in the sunlight.
11:00 a.m. Change into wedding garments. We’ll be wearing matching Yves Saint Laurent pantsuits. His, of course, will be unbuttoned from neck to stomach. Mine will only be unbuttoned far enough to reveal my necklace, carrying The Regent, commonly regarded as the world’s most beautiful diamond. We’ll each be wearing matching ruby red slippers, Givenchy jewels, and Chanel undergarments.
1:00 p.m. Annie Leibovitz arrives for photographs. Our bridal shot, of course, will cover Vogue’s September issue, a wedding gift promised by Anna herself. The shot — the two of us standing before a veranda full of 2,000 white roses, surrounded by exactly 77 pure white doves, kept in pure darkness before this moment so the image captures their very first exposure to sunlight and life — will be hailed by Time magazine as the greatest photograph ever shot.
2:00 p.m. Ceremony begins. The grooms, each shrouded in silk veils, will enter the church on separate converging red carpets and meet in the center of the chapel beneath a single ray of sunshine, at which point the veils will be dramatically removed in a flourish of fireworks, smoke and trumpets. The officiant, Oprah Winfrey, will rise from a trap door before her salutatory remarks. Vows will be exchanged via musical performance and interpretive dance. Both grooms will light the unity candle with only the flames of their burning passionate love. The two-hour ceremony will conclude with a rousing dance number.
4:00 p.m. Group photographs and receiving line. Following the ceremony, guests are invited to take photographs before the grooms, who will be situated in His & His thrones situated at the top of the altar. Guests are advised to kneel before the grooms while being photographed and to avoid direct eye contact. Guests are also advised to present their gifts at this time, which will be promptly weighed and appraised and consequently judged.
6:00 p.m. The reception will be held in the Great Hall of an abandoned Parisian castle outfitted with floating candles and a ceiling that manifests as the night sky. The reception hall will be pumped with concentrated oxygen so guests feel more alert throughout the evening.
6:30 p.m. Welcoming toast, in which I thank our guests for coming and move the room to tears with a deeply emotional and melodramatic re-telling of the story of how we met.
7:00 p.m. Dinner, a blend of Italian and French cuisine, which is to be served in a stunning 13 courses: apertivo (light wine with cheese, small quiches, crisps, nuts and various dippable breads with sauces), anitpasto (meat plates, cold shrimp, small sandwiches and other heavier finger foods), primo (small pasta dishes, soup, and a square of lasagne), secondo (the main course, featuring various hot meats), formaggi e frutta (local cheeses and fresh seasonal fruit), dolce (dessert, mainly eclairs, gelato, various cakes and pies, cannoli), and caffè. Other courses include: the potato course, the taco course, the banana course, the course where everybody drinks an entire bottle of wine, the vodka shot course, and the second-lasagne course.
8:45 p.m. The grooms gently glide onto the dance for their first dance as a married couple. The dance is accompanied by a live acoustic performance of “At Last” by Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, who brings the entire castle to tears.
9:00 p.m. Cake cutting. The cake, baked by the renowned pastry chef Dominique Ansel, is described as “the only banana-flavored croissant, donut, cake hybrid to ever exist in the world and the only one that ever will” and as “the only cake ever known to make the Pope cry simply by laying his eyes upon it.”
9:30 p.m. Tossing of the grooms’ bouquets and garters.
10:00 p.m. Presentation of the dragon eggs.
11:00 p.m. Ceremonial farewell. Each guest is to kneel as the grooms exit. Gift baskets, which include a fully-trained pomeranian puppy and an iPhone 7, will be distributed at the exit.
12:00 a.m. After party.
2:00 a.m. After after party.
4:00 a.m. McDonalds.