7 Signs You’re About to be Fired

A few years ago, I was unemployed for an extended period of time. I turned to Monster, because I thought it would help. It didn’t. Sometimes I would find listings for interesting “entry-level” positions, but then I’d scroll down and see that they require multiple years of experience. This seriously happened every goddamn time. Either Monster doesn’t know what that term means, or this was some kind of sick joke at the expense of the unemployed.

As terrible as Monster’s listings are, their advice articles are just as bad. Every one of their articles about writing resumes ends with a plug for their resume builder. This makes sense. There’s no reason free articles shouldn’t also be ads (click here to listen to my podcast!). The problem is that most of these articles recommend using bullet points in your resume… but the Monster resume builder doesn’t have that as an option!

Holy shit, what is this, a fucking prank? I know it’s probably just gross incompetence, but if anybody could use a break, it’s unemployed people. At some point during my year or so of unemployment, I came to the conclusion that hell probably isn’t a real place. Instead,after death you wait in line for heaven just to find out that getting in requires 5 years prior experience already living in heaven. Then you spend eternity living with your parents and applying to afterlives online. Doesn’t that sound worse than burning for all eternity? Fuck you Monster.com.

Anyway, they released a stupid list of 7 signs you are about to be fired. I wrote a better version of the list, because I’m not terrible like they are. Also, I’ve been let go from a couple jobs in my day. By this point, I’m pretty sure I know all the warning signs.

  1. Your boss was fired because he hired you.
    At this point, if you make it to the end of the day, it’ll be because there was some confusion over who was supposed to fire you.
  2. The doors are locked and a supervisor is standing in the parking lot with a box of envelopes.
    Apparently, terrible as it sounds, this is standard procedure when a restaurant runs out of money. Paula Deen did this recently when her brother’s restaurant closed. I guess it makes sense that a restaurateur being sued over racial discrimination would be afraid of her recently fired minority employees gutting the place if she lets them in.
  3. The owner of the company looked up at the rising flames and muttered “Oh shit, that wasn’t insured.”
    If you have to choose between burning to death in that fire and being unemployed again, the answer is pretty obvious. I know what I said above, but burning to death is way more painful and permanent. Choose life.
  4. The HR guy is pointing at the security camera footage, asking you to identify yourself like he’s blind or something. 
    Seriously? Is he trying to be passive aggressive? That’s obviously you walking off with that cash register. Or does he think all white people look the same?
  5. “There’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is I still have MY job…” 
    I know I made this one up, but fuck the fictional guy that’s firing people like this. I can’t even.
  6. You had to reapply for your own job, but you didn’t know any of the answers.
    I had to do this once. My position was being combined with one from another department. I looked at the new job description, and it was 95% things I’d never heard of. In case you don’t feel like doing the math, that either means the other position was  19 times more work than mine, or most of what I did all day had been deemed unnecessary.
  7. This is your sixth no-call/no-show. 
    I know a guy that was fired on his birthday. I expressed condolences on facebook. Then I found out he was fired for his 6th no-call/no-show. I had to officially retract all of my sympathies, because he shouldn’t have even had that many chances.

If you notice any of these signs, there is nothing you can do. Once they decide to fire you, that’s it. You’d better start your job search, but do yourself a favor and don’t use Monster. Go straight to company websites. It’s the only way.