Negative Self-speak Plays Constantly In My Head

It’s been a week since I shared about my journey with a mood disorder, that hasn’t officially been diagnosed. The gist is that I don’t exactly know what’s going on with me. I’m trying to stay away from phrases like “what’s wrong with me”, because it’s a negative phrase, even though that’s how I find myself feeling more often than I’d like.

I wanted to check in with you guys to thank you for the swells of calls, texts, messages, etc. that have flooded my life since I sought treatment.

I appreciate you all.

There is this little BIG thing inside my head that says “you ought to…” or “they won’t like you if you don’t….”, when each of those messages have come in.

“I ought to reach out.”

“They won’t like you if you cancel on them.”

“You should reply.”

When I say “it’s not you, it’s me”… I mean it with every fiber of my being.

I don’t know how to tell people I’d love it if they would bring my family meals.

I don’t know how to accept people telling me they would take my kids for the day.

Here’s the thing: I don’t want to put anyone out. I associate your life with mine: If I am overwhelmed, for me to be “normal”, I have to think everyone is overwhelmed. Otherwise, I’m the crazy person who can’t get her act together.

There is nothing wrong with me. The outpouring of people telling me “I know exactly how you feel…” or “I was there just a few months ago…” has affirmed to me that I AM NOT ALONE.

But this Beast that has taken up residence in my mind doesn’t understand. This Beast rages and screams, fighting against my good-nature every step of the way. This week, I tried to soothe the angry Beast with a hot bath, extra yoga sessions, and more “me” time.

Some days are good. I am productive. I am focused. I am who I feel like I am intended to be. I am stronger than The Beast.

The Beast hates those days. I get as much as I possibly can get done in the week of clarity, which has me thinking “Dude. Are you manic?!?”.

Again, negative self-speak plays constantly in my head.

This week, when the clouds lifted and the Beast took a break, I cleaned my entire house, I menu planned, I laughed with my husband and my kids. I cook from scratch, I know how to discipline my kids, I don’t scream at the dogs every move they make.

While I haven’t been diagnosed with what I think I have, all of my research has told me they are treating me the same as if that were the official diagnosis (I don’t think “busy mom is losing her shit” is an official diagnosis). On my own, and with my husband’s support, I’ve taken up yoga multiple times a week, started taking vitamins for deficiencies I may have, and for the past year, we’ve made the shift to organic fruits and vegetables. The doctors have prescribed talk therapy and Zoloft, the med I have yet to take. In an effort to steer clear of pharmaceuticals, I have begun a new vitamin regimen from doTERRA, the Lifelong Vitality Pack, which has been shown, including testimonial from a good friend of mine, helping those with mood disorders.

I’m taking care of my needs in a way I wouldn’t have before. I am strengthening my defenses, learning new tactics and coping strategies in the hopes that when I put the armor on in a week or two (when the Beast comes for a visit), I will be better prepared.