The Many Unexpected Uses For Mayonnaise

some lady from Tennessee wrote a dumb article about the many unexpected uses for mayonnaise. I wrote a better list, even though I don’t really like mayonnaise. Here are some of the many unexpected uses for mayonnaise:

  1. As a substitute for Miracle Whip
    I don’t eat much of either, but I hear they’re similar. I originally typed Cool Whip, but that was just an unfortunate typo. Please do NOT make this mistake IRL!
  2. As an incubator for growing maggots
    Not as effective as a dead human face, but way cheaper.
  3. As part of a time-released stink bomb
    This might be an urban legend, but I think it would work and is a great idea for a prank. Fill a glass jar with half mayonnaise and half whole-milk. Shake it up. Use duct tape to attach it to the top of someone’s airduct in their house. Only use enough duct tape that it will hold for a couple weeks, then fall. After it is initiated, be ready to lose a friend for forever.
  4. As a substitute for egg whites in fancy cocktails
    Please don’t try this. I’m pretty sure it would be gross, and either way mayo is made from egg yolk, not egg white. You actually read my stupid article, which means I like you and don’t want you to vomit unnecessarily.
  5. As an ingredient for making your own Silly Putty
    This is real. Mayonnaise really is an ingredient in Silly Putty.
  6. As a nonprofit medical practice and medical research group based in Rochester, Minnesota.
    This might be the result of a misunderstanding, but if you are injured, it’s worth a try!
  7. As a cheap oilslick
    Oil is expensive these days. If you own a Bond car or Batmobile, just fill up the oilslick contained with some cheap mayo. Works just as well!
  8. As the stereotypical food of white people, apparently
    I never understand this. That’s probably because I’m white and not a huge fan of mayo. Also because anytime I got fake American food in China that was made by Chinese people, I had to ask them not to drown it in icecream-scoopers full of mayo. Seems to me like Asian people like mayo more than white people. Or that people like whatever they like, and stereotypes are dumb.

After coming up with my list, I finally read the article that I am making fun of and HOLY SHIT is that crazy! This lady is okay with rubbing mayonnaise on her face? Is it really that much cheaper than buying actual face products? Does she wear a bib to account for all the vomit?

And then she talks about how mayonnaise can remove bumper stickers and varnish. It seems odd that she’d know about these traits and still recommend putting it on your face. On the other hand, at least she isn’t doing whatever logical fallacy it was that fueled the anti-Azodicarbonamide fearmongering a few months ago. Just because something melts adhesives off your car doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t put it on your face. However, that still doesn’t make it any less gross. Now I’m going to associate Dollar General with childhood disappointment AND vomit in the back of my throat while looking at the internet. Good job corporate blog aggregators! You are doing a good job!