(…unless you can pull off man buns***, but let’s face it, you probably can’t.)
1. Most of them are weak and feeble, like newborn foals, but greasier and with less to offer the world.
2. There’s nothing in them. There are no gifts. There is no wish-granting genies. There are shining jewels. It’s hair. Just fuckin balled up hair with a rubber band around it. And crumbs.
3. They can’t even lift.
4. When you take them out, it’s is just like a long, gross river of hair sludge.
5. Guys are like, “Lemme just never wash my hair cause I can wrap this shit up” and then what? Mold. Mildew. Chlamydia.
6. Usually they’re all loose and saggy and they droop like a shriveled grape.
7. They’re natural-born killers, I’ve seen them do it myself.
8. They hold too many secrets and I don’t trust them.
(***EDITOR’S NOTE: Apparently I have to add this disclaimer for the unawares: Harry Edward Styles is, obviously, exempt from any and all bun critiques because he’s a good frog and he shampoos and conditions and brushes his curls gently every night.
Also, I don’t care what anybody does with their hair. Live your life. Bun it up. Tie it in a bow. Dip it in frosting. Go crazy.)