Advice To My Newly Gay Self

Hello newly gay self,

Congratulations on coming out, and welcome to gaydom! You look great.

(Well, actually, you look just OK, to be totally honest. You should probably stop wearing those khaki pants. And get rid of those raggedy t-shirts Mom bought you when they were on sale at K-Mart, bless her soul. Also, nobody’s really doing polos anymore. You can just burn all of those. This doesn’t really have anything to do with you coming out, it’s mostly just embarrassing for me. You’re out of the closet now, so there’s room in there for a better wardrobe.)

Anyway.

Start making friends with more gays. Don’t be worried or nervous or ashamed to be friends with people you think, or used to think, were loud or obnoxious or embarrassing or too gay for you. Maybe they are loud and obnoxious and totally gay, but they’re not embarrassing. They’re having fun. They’re comfortable with themselves. Go out and join them.

Stop saying no to things just because they might be uncomfortable. Get out more and talk to people you don’t know. Yes, it’s awkward. Yes, staying inside with a bottle of vodka is way more comfortable. Yes, only talking to people you know is easier. But your life should be more exciting than this. Take some risks, even if they’re small. Talk to a hot stranger, even if all you say is “hello.”

When that cute guy gives you his number at a bar, text him back sooner, and don’t stop responding to all of his cheesy Facebook messages. You’re not any better or funnier than he is, dumbass. He likes you.

Read more books. Read more of what you like. Read stuff by gay people. Watch more TV and more movies and read more magazines so you have stuff to actually talk about when more cute guys come along.

Absolutely do not fall in love with your straight best friend, no matter how gay you think he secretly is. He’s not. He’s straight and probably always will be. You’ll just make things awkward, and end up scaring him away.

Don’t be scared about being out to everyone. They’ll love you and support you, even if they don’t always understand. Also, don’t be shy about answering their questions. They aren’t curious because they don’t believe you. They’re curious because they want to understand and love you better.

Buy better underwear. Not to impress a boy (but that’s works, too). Just buy it for yourself. Your gay balls deserve some fine new gay underwear. Also, while you’re at it, stop wearing gym shoes everywhere.

Most importantly, don’t worry about being perfect. Don’t worry so much about getting everything right. Make mistakes. Talk to a person you absolutely know is going to reject you and then get rejected. Get it out of the way, so you know you can survive it. Don’t worry so much about what people think. Just love yourself.

You took this step. You’re out. People still love you. Nothing’s changed.

Lastly, and this is just as important, Beyoncé will drop a secret, unannounced self-titled album on December 13, 2013. She’ll also go on a stadium tour with Jay Z. Prepare yourself. Save your money. Warn the others.