1. Stand next to them in silence and mimic their breathing until your cycles become one.
2. Cook them a full spaghetti dinner and deliver it to their doorstep with a note that says “I wanna watch you slurp up every last noodle.”
3. Scroll back to their first ever Instagram and comment “nice” and nothing else.
4. Write them a handwritten note that says something romantic like “I bet your hair feels like a bush of feathers, like a big ol’ feathery bush of feathers.”
5. Sneeze at them.
6. Ask them if they’ll scratch the itch you can’t reach and then when they’re like, “OK, I guess, where is it?” point at your stomach so they literally have to scratch your bare, protruding stomach.
7. Make them a mixtape but only use songs from the Shrek soundtrack, the most romantic album of all time.
8. Write their name in ranch dressing on top of a pizza and then eat the entire thing in front of them, maintaining unblinking eye contact the entire time.
9. Go to their house after dark and throw pebbles at their window. When they answer, pretend like you’re just doing pilates. When they’re like, “What are you doing?” you can be like, “Uhhh. Clearly, I’m just doing my pilates. What are YOU doing?”
10. Stand next to them while you’re hungry and let your stomach do the talking.
11. Throw up near them.
12. Faint near them.
13. Die near them.