How To Be Alone On Valentine’s Day

Step 1: Accept the fact that you’ll probably die alone in your apartment anyway, surrounded by cats who will feast upon your lonely corpse the second it starts to decay. (Rest assured: They will consider your body meat delicious.) By accepting this as your inevitable fate, you’ve relinquished the power that Valentine’s Day holds over you and everyone you love. It doesn’t matter what your relationship status is on this arbitrary holiday. Everybody eventually dies lonely and afraid.

Step 2: Eat an entire bar of chocolate without breathing. Chocolate, especially dark chocolate, contains antioxidants your body uses to stay healthy and alert. It also provides sugar and fat, which the body uses to keep you warm when you go to bed alone at night.

Step 3: Light a bunch of white candles, put on some sad music, and drink an entire jug of red wine alone on the couch — a jug being preferable to a bottle not only because of its bigger size, but because wine in a jug makes a cooler sound when you swish it around, filling the deafening silence of your horrifically lonely existence.

Step 4: Open your window and harass passing couples on the street with the best insults your drunken mouth can hurl. Try shouting things like, “Enjoy it now, assholes! Your love is a mirage and one day you’ll both wake up and neither of you will see it anymore!” Or, “He talks about you behind your back! Did you know that? I sat behind him at a restaurant once and all he talked about was how your thighs are twice as big now as they were when you first met!” Or, “Don’t you miss being single and drinking a jug of red wine alone, in your apartment, surrounded by cats staring hungrily at your fleshy body?!”

Step 5: Order a full meal for two. Preferably pasta, with a side of bread. I know restaurants usually give you some bread anyway, but you wanna go ahead and order an extra side of bread. It’s Valentine’s Day. Treat yourself. When it arrives, wink at the delivery man and tell him you can’t wait to share this delicious meal with your Valentine’s love. He’ll probably say something like, “I absolutely believe that there’s another human in this apartment with you.” And then he’ll run away. Take your food inside. Remove your pants. Feast.

Step 6: Buy something expensive online and share it with nobody. If appropriate, open your windows, call back a couple you harassed earlier, and tell them all about the new expensive thing you bought that they can’t afford because they’re too busy spending money to keep their sham of a love life alive. Follow this by vomiting profusely in their direction.

Step 7: Drunkenly stalk your favorite hot person on Instagram. Leave them cute Valentine’s comments like, “Wanna come over to my apartment and watch me eat two plates of pasta alone without my pants?” They will not reply.

Step 8: Fall asleep surrounded by filth with your hand down your underwear and congratulate yourself on a day well spent. You may well die alone, but at least you’re living your best life.