Things That Can Go Wrong During A Hug

You could accidentally graze something that should’ve otherwise been left ungrazed. (Or accidentally chafe something, for the aggressive crowd.)

You could accidentally squeeze too hard and render yourself infertile.

Everything could get wrinkled. Your shirt. Your pants. Your life. Everything.

You could miss them completely and your entire body could come crashing down upon a newborn kitten, pulverizing its tiny feline skull.

Your belt buckles could become entwined and you’d be forced to spend eternity with your genitals smashed together through your pants.

Your spine could literally snap in half like an uncooked spaghetti noodle and shards of it could get in your eye.

You could catch a whiff of their pheromones and accidentally fall in love and then, when they inevitably don’t love you back, you’ll be heartbroken and destitute and nobody will ever love you again.

They could have an erection and it could pierce your skin like a knife.

You could catch any number of communicable diseases like influenza or tuberculosis or that thing that kid from Florida got where his poop turned purple.

You could spill your beverage, leaving you beverage-less.

A thread of your sweater could catch on one of their shirt buttons, and as you un-hug, all of your body coverings could slowly unravel, leaving you naked, alone, and yet again loveless.

You could get hit by a truck.