The only Christian blog I regularly click on is by a guy named Matt Walsh. You may know Matt Walshas a cofounder of the Upright Citizens Brigade, or from his role on Veep, or as the doctor from that one scene in The Hangover. Me too. Turns out there’s another Matt Walsh, and he’s a conservative radio host and a huge asshole. So, every couple months I see a headline and think “Beloved improviser and character actor Matt Walsh doesn’t care about gender equality in the workplace (or is anti-minimum wage, or not quite hiding his contempt for gay people, etc.)!?!?!? NOOOO!!!” Then I click, and realize I’ve been tricked again. Fuck you, fake Matt Walsh.
Anyway, I saw this headline and thought I could come up with an even better list of 5 really bad reasons to leave your church. Turns out I could, so here they are.
- Other church across town is offering a Groupon.
Changing churches for monetary reasons is usually a bad idea. Besides, Groupon gets to keep half the money in these kinds of deals. Even it you are only tithe-ing 2.5%, half of that is going to an industry that’s doomed in the long run. Wait… no… I meant Groupon, not religion!
- You finally tried human flesh, and it tastes nothing like the Eucharist. Transubstantiation just isn’t an option for you anymore.
A lot of people struggle with transubstantiation, but that’s no reason to leave the Catholic Church. You’ve had plenty of better excuses by now. Either way, if you’re eating people, please don’t come back to my church.
- Missionary preacher is “too foreigny” for your tastes.
There’s a priest from India at my parish. Almost none of the midwestern white people could understand him at first, but they worked through it. Then he went back to India for a couple months and came back with a stronger accent. They worked through it again. I guess my point is this: sit your racist ass back down and try to learn something about the world for once.
- The line for the rollercoaster gets way too long on Sundays.
Your church has a rollercoaster!?!? How the hell are you possibly complaining about that!?!?
- You heard Jews have their own extra Halloween, and Halloween is your favorite.
It’s called Purim, and it sounds pretty fun, as far as religious holidays go. However, if you make some Jewish friends, they’ll probably let you participate. Or you can have your own costume party every year; nobody is stopping you. Be warned, however, that theme parties and costume days eventually lead to diminishing returns. So, use sparingly.
PS: After writing this, I went back and actually read the article I’m making fun of. It wasn’t too terrible, aside from the fact that #1 and #4 are the exact same thing, only with different words. “I’m not being fed” is just a euphemism for “my needs aren’t being met.” You can’t have both on the same list. He seriously couldn’t think of 5 really bad reasons to leave your church. Five is nothing. I had way more than enough, and some of them didn’t make the cut, such as 6. Your church was falling behind in the arms race of drum kits for contemporary worship services and 7. Some bitch said “Happy Holidays” last December. What is this, some kind of secular church? Apparently my b-sides are better than anything he came up with.