Activities I Wish I Could Be Compensated For

Building a time machine so I can return to the 1950s and catch James Dean and Marlon Brando having sex.

Baking loaves of bread in a cast iron stove and then setting my breads on the windowsill and whispering “my babies” over them as they cool.

Patiently dipping chicken fingers into ranch dressing to achieve ideal ranch-to-chicken-finger-surface coverage.

Trying to catch squirrels so I can feed them tiny peanuts from my hand.

Learning to catch cheese balls slung from a tiny cheese ball catapult with my mouth.

Murdering my Sims.

Participating in an 80s-movie montage where I get to spin around in a dressing room and my outfit changes and I’m laughing while my clothes change and people hand me mimosas and also at one point I’m wearing a really big floppy hat.

Sipping lemonade and saying “ahhhh” after every sip loud enough for everybody around me to hear that I’m enjoying my beverage.

Throwing rocks at my haters.

Trying to clone Zac Efron or at least build a functioning robot that, for all intents and purposes, looks pretty much like Zac Efron and feels like him, too.

Building a tiny village out of cheese cubes and forcing all of my cheese citizens to abide by the rules I’ve laid down as Mayor Mozzarella.

All the drinking I’ve done.