Father’s Guide To Lesser-Known Patron Saints

The number of practicing Catholics has been on the wane over the last several decades, and as a result much of the beautiful history of that sacred institution is being lost to time.  Some have declared the church an outmoded relic of history, but science has proven that prayer has a clear impact on those who practice it regularly.

The Catholic church has appointed saints to certain activities and actions to pray to when they are practiced, usually due to a miracle they performed while here on Earth.  Some are fairly well-known in the Catholic community: for example, St. Christopher is the patron saint of travel (prayed to when beginning  an arduous journey), and St. Luke is the patron saint of medicine (frequently prayed to by those who are going to undergo surgery).

Some patron saints, however, are less well-known but are worthy of recognition and could be source of comfort for the reader.  That’s why I’m bringing you my Guide To Lesser-Known Patron Saints

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St. Maurice – the Patron Saint of Vagueness, Floating Anxiety & Not Being Able To Put Your Thumb On What The Problem Is, canonized 1946 – A citizen of Pensacola, Florida canonized after becoming monumentally freaked out by looming Cold War stress.

St. Cherry Bottoms – Patron Saint Of Strippers, canonized 1993 – A Tucson, Arizona dancer who incredibly received 147 anal violations in one evening (the Tucson clergy denies any involvement in performing this miracle)

St. Wiggly – Patron Saint Of The Insane Clown Posse, Protector Of The Juggalos, canonized 2006 – Overweight resident of a Little Rock, Arkansas suburb who inexplicably was able to drink three 2-liters of orange Faygo back to back, while being getting kicked in the stomach by other followers of The Dark Carnival and not vomiting or pussing out.

St. Peggy – Patron Saint Of Uncomfortably Having To Use Someone Else’s Shower, canonized 1958 – A resident of the Greenwich Village area of Manhattan who, after a one-night stand, noticed the tremendous amount of pubic hair in the shower of the apartment she woke up in.

St. Reggie – Patron Saint of Getting Money, canonized 1970 – Received sainthood after miraculously looting forty-five televisions in thirty minutes during the Watts Riots.

St. Dennis – Patron Saint of Purchasing From Television Networks, canonized 1989 –  (this saint brought to you by QVC – get the St. Dennis collector’s doll during “Doll Mania!”, 3-4 Central

St. Brandon – Patron Saint Of Googling Your Exes To See How They’re Doing Now That They’ve Moved On, canonized 2003 – System administrator from Dallas, Texas who, while waiting for a software update to occur, learned that his high-school girlfriend was now now married to one of the Seattle Seahawks.

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I hope you find refuge in these lesser patron saints.  I hope to return soon with more of these beatific stories in the near future!