Out of Control.
A selfish mother.
A frigid wife.
Easy to abandon.
A terrible friend.
These are the thoughts that have gone through my head for the past 18 months about myself and my life. These thoughts gradually worsened until, one day, I found myself crying uncontrollably while curling my hair. I was terrified of the rage I could feel bubbling just under the surface.
I could be better.
I should be better.
Why can’t I stop?
I made an appointment with Women’s Health. I sat in my doctor’s office, for the second time in 6 months for the same issue, and I told the truth. I didn’t tell him what I thought he wanted to hear. I didn’t put on a brave face. I wasn’t strong (or at least my version of strong). I had visions of him calling to have me carted away, kicking and screaming.
Six months prior, he had made the suggestion that I call Mental Health to talk to someone. I never did. This time, I sat with him as he made the call to the Crisis Team. I was given an appointment to the Psychiatry Department later that day. My husband, honorably, took the rest of the day off of work to care for our children so that I could care for myself.
I sat in the waiting room answering some of the most difficult questions I’ve ever had to answer. Tears continued to fall freely, though I wished them to stop.
Everyone is looking at me.
I wish I was invisible.
What is wrong with me??
An hour of therapy later, armed with a wad of used tissues in my hand, literature on building healthy boundaries, a laundry list of meetings I can (and will) go to, a recommendation for medication, and raw, bloodshot eyes, I left.
The smallest ray of hope.
Throughout the day, I looked at posts and texts of care and concern. I listened to voicemails from loving friends. I got home and was enveloped in a warm hug from my husband, and smiles from my eager-to-love children.
I don’t know where this journey will take me, or what it might mean for this blog, but it’s what’s best for me… for my marriage… for my kids. I know I am going to be proactive, even when it’s hard. I’m going to say yes to help, reach out when I need it, and rewrite my internal dialog. I did the right thing.