The Fine Tuned Skill Of Being A Poser

I am going to take a break from the technical for a moment and straight up complain instead of mixing it in to the technical jargon like usual.

A conversation a with a friend of mine last night (who is not a poser) made me think of this and what good is the internet if everyone in the world does not know what I personally dislike, right? This is all his fault.

As I am sure you have guessed already, this is about being a poser. For those of you who need a description of this, keep reading.

I will start with something near and dear to me and that is motorcycles and motorcycle riding. I have been riding a motorcycle for about 40 years, I’m not THAT old, I just started when I was darn near a toddler. My family rode motorcycles, like all of them, even the Grandmothers, to me, it was just something everyone did. We all road some kind of trail bike and the Harley Davidson street bike (yes, they made off road bikes too) was also owned by many members of the family. None of which were ‘bikers’ they were just people who enjoyed motorcycles.

Now, when I say the words Harley Davidson, many of you will conjure up only a handful of images, a lot of which depends on your age and where you live. In this day and age, I would bet that the most conjured up image is that of a complete douchebag. Ya know what, I own a Harley and I would pretty much have to agree with you.

There are a spattering of guys like me who like to ride, who hold a sentimental spot in our heart for the Harley, maybe your grandfather or father rode one, maybe it goes back even further, my great grandfather rode one. Sadly, guys like us are in the minority these days. Confused if you fall into the poser douche category on this? Let me help…do you own pants a jacket, gloves, boots, skull cap, undershorts, t shirts, decals on your car and a huge laundry list of other shit that have the name Harley Davidson pasted on it? Do you hate all other motorcycles? Do you pretty much always wear something that says Harley on it just so that people are perfectly clear you own a Harley even when you’re not next to your bike making a tough guy face? Congrats buddy, you’re a fuckin poser.

I can hear the Japanese super bike crowd snickering over this. Well, you clowns are not out of the mud on this one either. You also have a large vein of posers running through your kind. When you’re dressed up like a godammed power ranger, own a bike that has a top speed of…oh, I don’t know…SOUND, will handle like it’s on rails and yet, I have to wait for your ass to catch up to my chrome slug of a Harley for five minutes after I stop. You sir are a poser.

Here is the thing, even a mediocre rider on a super bike should leave me in the dust with ease, they are FAR superior in pretty much every single way, yet…you’re too fucking scared of it to even do the speed limit. What’s my issue with this you wonder? It really has nothing to do with the bikes themselves, ride what you want. Let me repeat that differently so you understand what I am saying. Ride what YOU want. In other words, you are not enjoying your life like you could because your main focus is how other people perceive you. You would have a ton more fun on a bike that matched your skill level and riding style, but that probably would not been seen as cool (or so you think). Hey, it’s your life, live it how you want, just keep in mind, fuck you stupid.

And now for the four wheel drive crowd. The poser list here would wrap the earth three times. How many times have you seen a rig set up to look like it’s going on a safari? Lights everywhere, cages, winches, baskets and lets not forget the snorkel for deep water crossing that ARB dinged you like 600 bucks for a fancy looking fuckin pipe. All this stuff is great and very useful, but most of these dopes can’t even tell you if their 4wd works, because they have not needed it to go to the store and back.

Jeep guys are some of the worst. I have owned a whole bunch of Jeeps in my time, the older ones are pretty much total junk, but knowing that, I still enjoy them. I have went on several large group, Jeep outings. This is where a bunch of Jeep owners get together and bumble around off road. The ones I went on rank somewhere between the 4th and 5th circle of hell. I was so angry at the end of the event that I wanted to set my Jeep on fire, force everyone to watch it burn at gun point, while screaming “SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!”

If you have to stop and creep through an area, (while white knuckling your wheel at 10 and 2) that an old Buick with bald tires to go through without breaking a sweat, owning a Jeep is not for you. As a matter of fact, just stay in your house asshole. As it is, you dipshits already owe me like 5 hours of my life that I had to spend moving at the speed of smell up an old gravel road that had a slight bump in it, don’t force me to figure out ways to try and get that time back by seeing you outside your home.

This would not be complete without the bro dozer. This is a full size pickup with like 20 inches of lift and some totally useless (and gross) HUGE wheels with something that resembles a rubber band stretched over them for a tire. I don’t think I even need to point out to you that you’re a douche. I mean, there is no way you couldn’t already know that right?

The VW off road crowd is also nuts, just in a different way. Believe it or not many of these guys actually use the hell out of their Baja bug, buggy or sandrail. However, these guys are the most tripping over mouse turd fuckers I have ever seen. They spend years with their poor car torn apart in an attempt to set it up for a crash landing on fuckin mars or something. These guys nit pick shit to death. Listen dummy, you’re not going to be driving that sputtering turd in the Dakar rally anytime soon, calm the fuck down and drive it. I am of course not referring to the guys who actually desert race, they need to get picky, but bumbling around the back roads at 20 mph does not call for 3000 bucks in shocks, 18 inches of travel hooked to a full tube cage car, it just doesn’t. Stop playing engineer and drive it. If something falls off, fix it.

Speaking of sandrails, I can’t tell you how many hundred thousand dollar, 800 horsepower, huge travel sand cars I have seen where the owner spends most of his time leaning on it or crawling around on the flat sand. Sure, you could have gotten something to fill your needs for 98,000 dollars less, but that would be cool right? Bad news poser, you’re not cool now either.

In closing this tapestry of hate…I would just like to add that I really think you will find your life to be much more enjoyable if you just focus on the stuff you yourself like. You may be confused to exactly what that is, because you don’t actually own a personality that belongs to you. If that’s the case, I highly doubt you can be helped, because you don’t even know you’re the person I am talking about. Being stupid is a lot like being dead, it only bothers the people closest to you, not you. Anyway, for those of you who can step back and have the ability to do some self reflection, I applaud you. Now go get something you think is cool, not what someone else tells you is cool. Then, my friend (and only then) will you obtain true coolness.