This Week I’am Being Single on Valentine’s Day

1. Being single on Valentine’s Day and spending it with a bottle of wine and a giant plate of pasta. (Or not being single and spending it with a bottle of wine and giant plate of pasta. Whatever. It’s your dumb life.)

2. The start of One Direction’s new tour, which brings lip-biting Zayn and hair-flipping Harry back into our lives once again.

3. Hot guys in Taylor Swift music videos. Specifically, hot shirtless guys staring longingly into the sunset on a deserted beach, presumably somewhere Taylor has driven them to and then abandoned them at.

4. Actually finding something that fits from J. Crew in the sea of slim-cut clothing they design for people shaped like uncooked spaghetti.

5. The fact that Barack Obama was in a fucking BuzzFeed video.

6. Pasta dinners for lunch.

7. Drunkenly walking home to Ginuwine’s “Pony” and gyrating around strangers in public.

8. Harry Styles in colorful blouses.

9. Chocolate milk in juice boxes.

10. Coffee table books big enough to kill a person with.

11. Rihanna’s entire blessed existence.

12. Hot food delivery guys (especially guys delivering deliciously fluffy naan, or Italian food, or tacos).

13. Frosted animal crackers.

14. Vanity mirrors which are, admittedly, vain. But who cares? Fucking love yourself.

15. Getting into fights with people about whether man butts are hotter than woman butts. (They are, definitively, hotter and shapelier, when provided the proper attention.)

16. Drinking on a Monday (just don’t, like, make it a habit, ya know?).

17. And the thought of soft butter getting spread softly across crusty bread, AKA the best thing.