At a time of such internal struggle, I question myself at every turn.
Am I over-reacting?
Am I making excuses?
Am I being lazy?
Am I being stubborn?
The mental health issues I have been experiencing are cyclical in nature. Last week, I woke up happy, grateful, and ready. Today, I am barely keeping my head above water, the tears at bay, the storm off-shore. It’s a constant rollercoaster, but without the adrenaline rush. I am unpredictable, which would be less of a big deal if it didn’t also mean being unpredictable in how I parent, teach, and maintain.
Today, I took a huge leap of faith.
I submitted applications to a local Montessori-based charter school. The school is 1st-8th grade and admission is by lottery. There are more openings for Middle’s age (1st next year), so it is quite possible that she gets in while Big (4th grade) does not. Someone would need to leave the school for there to be a space open for Big.
Is our time as a homeschool family coming to an end? I don’t know.
Will we get into the charter school? I don’t know.
Am I doing the right thing? I don’t know.
For someone that loves schedules and routines, not knowing is the worst sort of punishment. So, I am attempting to focus on what I DO know.
I know I have options.
I know I love my kids.
I know I want to make better choices.
I know I have people I can count on.
I know my God is looking out for me.
I know my God is looking out for my kids.
I know He trusts me to raise them, even if I don’t.
For now, I would like to ask that you please pray for whatever future God has on the horizon for our family and for our peace and understanding with whatever it may be.