Things Guys Who Are The Worst Apparently Think

1. “You know what I should do? I should just shave off all my facial hair except the hair on my chin. I’ll let those hairs grow nice and long. People love it when you just have chin hair and nothing else.”

2. “Honestly, I wish all of my V-Necks plunged past my nipples. My man cleavage isn’t gonna force its hairy sweat on everybody by itself.”

3. “I’m sure nobody at this gym will mind if I play my music out loud. Everybody loves Phish.”

4. “I wish I could cover my body in even more camouflage right now.”

5. “What if instead of acting like a normal human in pictures, I just point straight at the person standing next to me and open my mouth like a gaping ape?”

6. “Bro, I should totally wear those cargo shorts. Bro, I should wear the ones that start as pants and zip off at the knee, bro, and have pockets on the side for my chewing tobacco.”

7. “Oh yeah, everybody calls shoes ‘loafers.’ That’s just what they’re all called. Every shoe is a loafer.”

8. “These casual jeans would look great with a pair of my leather dress shoes.”

9. “No, my fingernails are totally clean enough.”

10. “This outfit wouldn’t be complete without my white tube socks.”

11. “Oh, no, my thumb wouldn’t be complete without a ring. What else would my thumb hair wrap around?”

12. “What, am I not supposed to have a beer can on every casual t-shirt I wear around the garage?”

13. “Well, my floppy dick isn’t gonna take terrible pictures of itself. Everybody who gets these pics will love how it looks like an angry dark pickle.”