Things College Actually Teaches You

How to politely discourage a roommate from masturbating in the same room as you when he thinks you’re asleep in the bed 10 feet away. (The trick is to roll about aimlessly in bed before standing up to get water from the mini-fridge, eyes still closed as you pretend to be only half-awake, appearing groggy so you can plausibly deny that you know his penis is still completely outside of his boxers, his hands are still covered in lotion, and the moans from his porn are still spilling from his headphones. He’ll stop as you stand there, drinking your water slowly, swaying in the center of the room, scratching your stomach. He’ll stop and he’ll never try that shit again.)

How to find out if two of your friends are secretly hooking up even though they vehemently deny it while showing up to breakfast together the next morning with matching hickeys. (Hide in one of their closets while they’re brushing their teeth before bed. Jump out when they’re tongue deep in one another’s esophaguses. Take a picture, with flash, for optimal dramatic effect.)

How to accomplish all things in life with minimal effort and enthusiasm. (Drink an entire pot of coffee before aimlessly leaving your bedroom in sweatpants; bark at strangers when confronted; do the least amount of work required to succeed; cry when anything becomes too difficult.)

How to immediately detect and eliminate assholes. (They typically adjust their greasy beanies just before announcing an unwanted opinion in discussion. They speak loudly to disguise the fact that they have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about, and they crumble when asked any specific question like “What makes you think that?” or “Did you even open the textbook, you piling heap of rotten sewage?” They’re also usually wearing Ralph Lauren polos with the extra large horse logo because they’re pieces of shit.)

How to make a single week’s worth of clothes last three months. (Wear everything continuously because nobody cares, nothing matters, and everybody on the planet is a disgusting mess anyway, might as well join them.)

How to devise and execute any number of ridiculous excuses for getting out of responsibilities. (The trick is to force yourself into stomach agony by gorging on Chinese food. How can you be expected to finish that term paper with a belly full of pan-friend noodles? Answer: You can’t. It’s cruel and inhumane. Ask for an extension. They’ll say no and you’ll fail, but at least you got some Chinese food out of it.)

How to survive in the wilderness. (Live with the kid who thinks it’s a good idea to keep a boa constrictor as a “secret dorm room pet” until he loses it one morning and it escapes into the building’s ventilation system and you have to sleep with a chef’s knife in the event that you’re either preyed upon in the middle of the night.)

How to lose $60,000 a year with little to no effort. (Literally just exist.)