21 Things Eddie Redmayne Probably Does

1. Eddie Redmayne probably has enough throw pillows on his bed to cover the entire surface of his duvet cover, and every night before he goes to sleep, he picks them up, one by one in his little pajamas, and transfers them to an oversized chair in his bedroom, and when they’re all in a pile on the chair, he jumps right into the middle of them, his tiny little body disappearing in the middle.

2. Eddie Redmayne probably pays ridiculous amounts for fancy candles that he lights when he’s feeling lonely. He probably sets them out on a fancy tray and lights each one slowly while he hums a happy song, and then he lies down on his stomach in the middle of his bed and cries, not for any reason, just to feel the warm tears on his face.

3. Eddie Redmayne probably watches Downton Abbey wearing a tuxedo, and every time a new character appears on his screen, he whispers “Good day, sir,” out loud.

4. Eddie Redmayne probably wears silk pajamas to the grocery store, just because he can.

5. Eddie Redmayne probably goes to the petting zoo every week to visit his favorite mini pig, which he’s named Sebastian, but whose real name is actually Viola. He probably fills his little pockets with tiny pellets of pig feed and offers them to his pig friend, one by one, in exchange for the performance of various tricks, which Eddie himself is teaching her to perform.

6. Eddie Redmayne probably cries on the toilet reading the Wikipedia page for Titanic.

7. Eddie Redmayne probably makes puppets and names them after his childhood friends. There’s one named Caroline and one named Peter and one named Charles, and every night, he takes them out of their cabinet and sets them in a circle on the floor and sings lullabies to them before he drifts off to sleep.

8. Eddie Redmayne probably performs as an amateur magician at children’s birthday parties under the stage name “Edward the Extravagant.” As his final trick, he produces a large bullfrog named “Pip” from his magician’s cap, and whistles a song he and Pip wrote together. (Pip the bullfrog is Eddie Redmayne’s best friend.)

9. Eddie Redmayne probably makes his own granola, which he eats in the hopes of becoming a strong adult man. (But secretly, he only eats it because he doesn’t like the taste of yoghurt without it.)

10. Eddie Redmayne probably wants to cuddle after even the slightest of physical contact, but only if he gets to be the little spoon.

11. Eddie Redmayne probably takes bubble baths full of fresh, soothing flower petals and luxurious salts. He surrounds the tub with candles and an old boombox set to play his favorite classical songs, and he sings them out loud as he lowers his smooth naked body into the flowery water.

12. Eddie Redmayne probably personally tests every blanket he buys by stripping down to his underwear and wrapping each blanket around his shoulders like a cape, letting each silky surface brush against his cold, pale skin as he performs everyday tasks as a pretend superhero.

13. Eddie Redmayne probably carries a bowl of porridge to bed every night and eats it with a tiny golden spoon beneath a sheet with a flashlight.

14. Eddie Redmayne probably has a farm where he raises sheep, and he names each one after different kinds of fruit.

15. Eddie Redmayne probably whittles hummingbirds out of wood from the trees that grew in the backyard of his childhood home. When he’s finished carving them, he raises each one to his lips and kisses them gently on the beak before setting them free, back into nature, back where they belong.

16. Eddie Redmayne probably wakes up every morning and insists on having a proper warm English muffin before getting on with the rest of his day, and he sings each muffin a soft song as it toasts, and an even softer song as he covers it with butter, and an even softer song as he smears it with jam.

17. Eddie Redmayne probably has a complicated binder system to catalog the leaves he collects on his walks through the park, and every time he brings home a new one, he brushes it against his cheek so it tickles him and makes him laugh and then he sets it in its binder and sheds a tear as he closes that page forever.

18. Eddie Redmayne probably makes curtains out of tablecloths, because he read that you can do that in a magazine once.

19. Eddie Redmayne probably grows his own clementines on a clementine tree he secretly keeps in his attic, and every night, he carries a tiny watering can up a ladder and sprinkles his tiny tree with water and tells it it’s beautiful and thanks it for giving him his sweet little clementines.

20. Eddie Redmayne probably makes a pot of tea every night, and whatever he doesn’t finish himself, he sets outside for the raccoons, because “the fat one was his best friend in boarding school.”

21. Eddie Redmayne probably sings a nursery rhyme to himself every night before bed, and he sings it so beautifully, he moves himself to tears.