A Brief List Of People Who Made Me Gay

Chris O’Donnell with his pointy suit nipples in Batman & Robin. Nick Lachey in that one issue of Us Weekly from like 2003 where he’s walking a dog in only his gym shorts. Chad Michael Murray before I even knew who Chad Michael Murray was.

The hot gardener from Desperate Housewives. Sawyer from Lost.Orlando Bloom as a luscious blond. Channing Tatum before he was Channing Tatum when he was just a hot stripper nobody knew about. Hanson. The Ukrainian guy from Dancing With The Stars.

Aaron Samuels with his hair pushed back. The British guy who tried real hard to sound American on House.Rachel’s dumb boyfriend Tag on Friends. Angry Hayden Christensen in the one Star Wars. Ryan Reynolds’ and all of his abs. The guy from the “Call Me Maybe” music video.

Ricky Martin when he was still spicy Ricky Martin and not dad Ricky Martin. Ryan Gosling in that scene in the The Notebookwhere’s he’s all rainy and Rachel McAdams hasn’t ruined everything yet. Usher. Heath Ledger when he had his long beautiful man mane. Heath and Jake Gyllenhaal in the tent scene from Brokeback Mountain. Ryan Phillippe’s butt. Brad Pitt’s butt in the movie Troy.

Colin Firth’s butt in that other movie that’s basically Troy. Justin Timberlake during his ramen noodle phase. The guy from Dude Where’s My Car who isn’t Ashton Kutcher. That one hot male cheerleader from Bring It On. Tom Welling in that Superman show. Mario Lopez during most of the 90s and 2000s. Taylor Lautner before he was all weird about it. And, of course, Zac Efron.