A Day In The Life Of The First-lady Oprah, Probably

4:00 a.m. Rise. Bathe in the fountain and lie naked in the garden to dry.

5:00 a.m. Breakfast of six raw egg yolks swallowed whole, juice made of kale harvested from her gardens, and the meat of an entire roasted pig, raised and slaughtered by Oprah’s own hands.

6:00 a.m. All-hands meeting. A law-breaking servant is brought before the entire staff and beheaded, despite their collective cries for mercy. Oprah must stand for justice, not mercy.

7:00 a.m. Plot the next Zodiac killing over coffee.

8:00 a.m. Visit to the estate dungeons, in which Oprah keeps her enemies imprisoned. “Please,” they beg her, “Set us free.” She says nothing as she loads a pile of raw fat from a wagon into each of their cells.

9:00 a.m. Feed the dragons.

10:00 a.m. A procession of staff enters the Throne Room, where Oprah is sat waiting. Each servant stands before her holding an item she will examine. If approved, she will nod, and the item will be named A Favorite Thing. If rejected, she will pull a lever, and the servant will fall to the dungeons, where they will be butchered, baked into minced meat pies, and sold in English markets.

11:00 a.m. Mid-morning stroll. Oprah is carried through her gardens atop her portable throne, borne by muscled men covered only in fine silk cloths, and accompanied by the most beautiful of her servants who feed her the freshest of grapes plucked only from Oprah’s vineyards.

12:00 p.m. Phone call with President Obama. “Do better,” is all she says. Barack cries. “Help me,” he says, but the line is already dead.

1:00 p.m. Lunch with Hillary and Meryl. Oprah wears ruby slippers and nothing else. Neither Hillary nor Meryl are allowed to speak to her directly, their chairs are to be situated six inches shorter than Oprah’s so that she towers above them, and their heads are to be bowed in deference at all times.

2:00 p.m. Divination.

3:00 p.m. Potions.

4:00 p.m. A powerful woodland witch warns Oprah that a child will be born of strong ancient blood who will grow to be more beautiful and powerful than she before casting her down and taking all that she holds dear. Oprah finds the child and crushes its skull against a boulder.

5:00 p.m. Oprah checks upon the painting she keeps in her attic that grows older while she stays young.

6:00 p.m. Dinner with cryogenic Steve Jobs. Oprah details the blueprint for Apple’s invisibility cloak, of which she will be the sole owner.

7:00 p.m. Meeting of the Illuminati, in which Oprah officiates the ceremonial orgy, though she does not participate, for her body is to remain pure and untouched.

8:00 p.m. Meeting of Her Council. Dr. Phil weeps as Suze Orman is once again named Employee Of The Week. Dr. Oz defecates in a corner out of fear.

9:00 p.m. Second dinner of pure carbohydrates, which Oprah’s body requires to replenish the 8,000 calories she burns daily.

10:00 p.m. Phone call with Beyoncé. Beyoncé is forced to apologize for no reason.

11:00 p.m. Oprah consults the spirits, who assure her of her strength.

12:00 a.m. At midnight, Oprah leads a nude man to the top of an altar and slays him. “Valar morghulis,” she whispers as it’s done.

1:00 a.m. All-staff meeting in a forest clearing. Oprah communicates solely through the trees, whose voices belong to her.

2:00 a.m. Full shedding of Oprah’s skin. Each night, her body dies and is born anew, fresh and young and pristinely kept.

3:00 a.m. Oprah rips an old sequoia from the ground with her bare hands and burns it for warmth. She lies atop a pile of soft leaves, for this is where she slumbers. She rests, surrounded by nature.