9 Possible Zac Efron Origin Stories

1. Bit by a gay spider on a class field trip to a spider museum, Zac wakes up with six pack abs, a perfectly chiseled chest, and all the powers of an actual homosexual with none of the societal consequences.

2. After losing her lover in a freak firefighter calendar photo shoot accident, a powerful sorceress creates Zac in an effort to formulate the perfect man to fill the emptiness left upon her beloved’s untimely death. Also to have sex with it.

3. A young girl drops a Ken doll into a vat of industrial waste, and it mutates into a fully-formed, perfectly-proportioned male humanoid named Zac. Of course, like Ken, Zac doesn’t have genitals or a spaces between his toes or internal organs. Just a smooth, glossy groin connected to detachable legs. But he’s got a rock hard ass.

4. Born as the product of a radical science experiment in which two gay men conceived a child in the complete absence of a woman, Zac later developed the supernatural ability to turn any heterosexual man into a homosexual with only a passing glance.

5. Born and raised on the planet E-Fron — which, with perfect atmospheric conditions, allowed for the evolution of mutants we would deem technically perfect by human standards — Zac is abandoned on earth during a rare solar dust storm. With no way of getting back to his home planet, Zac is forced to live out his days as a physically flawless specimen among the mortals of earth.

6. Living in a studio apartment above an abandoned tire factory, Zac spends his days as an aspiring actor and his nights as a moderately successful go-go dancer, until one fateful night, when he stumbles home drunk and discovers the factory beneath his apartment isn’t abandoned at all, but a hideout used by the Gay Mafia, who kidnap him and brainwash him into fulfilling their evil gay desires. Which, as it turns out, is mostly just the go-go boy stuff he was doing anyway.

7. A grad student at a state university somewhere in the Midwest, Zac stays late one night to finish a chemistry project and accidentally drinks an experimental super serum that gives him the superhuman ability to make my pants moist on command.

8. Killed in an unreported car accident during the filming of High School Musical 3: Senior Year, Zac’s body was taken to a research lab and resurrected by scientists in the form of a flawless cyborg.

9. Born in 1896, Zac is drafted into the Great War as an adolescent. Young and afraid, he strikes a deal with an old man who reveals himself as the Devil. In exchange for escape from the war, Zac is cursed to spend the rest of his days alone as an ageless beauty, young and ripped as fuck til the end of time.