Acceptable Excuses For Being Late

Tried drinking orange juice after brushing teeth.

Stepped outside, saw Gary Busey, had to seek shelter at the nearest Busey Preparedness Center.

Stopped to smell a flower, it had a bee in it.

Saw a pigeon giving another pigeon a blow job, couldn’t just abandon nature’s display of true love.

Tried squeezing into skinny jeans, broke three bones, pulled seven muscles, collapsed a lung.

Stretched too hard, saw Jesus, met Jesus’s step-sister Michelle, had coffee, toured her apartment in the West Village to be polite, admired her collection of handmade soaps.

Accidentally brushed against my genitals, had to follow sensation to logical conclusion.

Took too much NyQuil, forgot where I was.

Ate one Pringle, fun refused to stop once I popped.

Started putting on pants without underwear, contemplated how that would feel if I just did that forever, why I didn’t do that more.

Opened a pillsbury dough tube, had to clean up the casualties.

Started thinking about what I wanted for dinner, literally couldn’t stop thinking about it until I’d eaten an entire meal.

Died.