How To Accept The Fact That You’ll Be Alone Forever

Step One: Realize you’ll be alone forever.

This realization will likely come to you in one of the following scenarios: On the bus (while you reach for the last piece of chicken in your personal family-sized bucket of fried chicken). In the cereal aisle (when you realize Special K with strawberries is on sale and you have no one to celebrate with). Or at home (when you return from Bed Bath & Beyond with the body pillow you bought because you have nothing else to hold at night).

Step Two: SUPPRESS THE SADNESS WITH CARBS.

Step Three: Realize that most humans are terrible, wasteful, vengeful, and disgusting beings put on this earth to wreak havoc on our environment. (Honestly, have you ever been near another human? All of the holes in their body are designed for the excretion of toxins. Disgusting.)

Step Four: Get a dog or something. They’ll love you (non-sexually).

(Your sexual needs can be satisfied by the simple Google image search, “Nicholas Jonas shirtless.”)

Step Five: Love your goddamn self. Buy yourself a box of goddamn chocolates and eat every one.

Step Six: Become an irresistible object of beauty, seduction and magnificence so that no human may deny your glory. Buy a fancy robe and drape it about your shoulders like a cape. Saunter down the streets in your robe-cape, shouting “OBEY ME” at onlookers. Collect your compliments.

Step Seven: Congratulations, you’ve now accepted the fact that you’ll be alone forever. But at least you have a great robe.