How To Continue Existing After Zayn

Welcome to doomsday.

If you’re reading this, I assume you’ve survived Zayn-pocalypse and have successfully found refuge in your post-1D-dissolution shelter. If you were prepared, like myself, your shelter will be well-stocked with the supplies necessary to withstand the long, cold winter that is before us. If not, it’s important that you gather the essentials while you still can. You’ll need an old, dirty stuffed bear with a Zayn mask taped crudely over its face, a wholesale package of jumbo marshmallows, a barrel of ripe bananas, as many cans of creamed corn as your shelter pantry can hold, and four Duracell D batteries. Trust me, each of these items will reveal its purpose when you need them most.

Weeks, months, even years may pass before the planet returns to any semblance of order. The only thing we can do is remain underground until the cannibals hunt each other into extinction. The authorities will tell us when it’s safe to rise again to the earth’s surface. Only then can humanity be restored.

Who knows what the world will look like when we return to it? Will the government have fallen? Will the economy have crumbled? Will someone have preserved Harry Styles? Will monuments have been erected in Zayn’s honor, at which we might worship He Who Sealed Our Fate?

All we can do is guess.

Meanwhile, life must go on, or what little there is that’s left of it.

God help us all.