How To Get Over Someone You Hate Now But Used To Like But Still Think Is Hot
So, you’re looking to get over someone you hate now but used to like but still think is hot. This, children, is called adulthood, and it sucks.
Luckily, there’s a simple, surefire way to cure yourself of this ailment, the trick being to delude your adult parts into feeling the same way about Hated Person as your brain.
To do it, picture them — fully clothed, preferably in a hideous medical jumpsuit — in one or more of the following scenarios:
– Drinking an entire container of the liquid cheese that’s usually served with nachos, except instead of it being warm and delicious, it’s been sitting out cold in an empty movie theater. And they just drink it all up, with no nachos.
– Slicing open a recently caught fish and scraping their teeth against it’s insides.
– Eating a pile of dirt, just a raw pile of earth, stuffing it right down into their ugly gullet like a pelican swallowing a fish except instead of a fish it’s just a fistful of sod.
– Dipping a sock into a bowl of cottage cheese and the ringing out the cottage cheese juice into their mouth.
– Getting a paper cut on the thin skin between their fingers and then wailing like a child on the train during rush hour when everybody is crammed together in a hot, sweaty, messy clump of human misery and the LAST thing you want to hear is a dumb wailing baby.
– Eating an entire jar of warm mayonnaise.
– Pooping, but the kind where you sweat while it’s happening.
– Blowing their nose into a sleeve of hot sandpaper.
– Aggressively sticking a single finger into their belly button, not in a sexual way, but angry, just like knuckle-deep in there.
– Losing a fight to a bird.
Congratulations. You’re free.