Things Tom Daley Can Probably Do

Crush walnuts using only the clench of his smooth, muscular armpits.

Seduce a unicorn using only the sheen of his gleaming white teeth.

Bake scrumptious, moist muffins in the trunk of a hollow tree.

Dive, I think, or maybe swim. It’s something with water, or getting into water, or being near water. Either way, that.

Carry an entire box of IKEA furniture upstairs using only the godly thickness of his thighs.

Press his hams together to create a convection-oven-like atmosphere in which he might grill me a grilled cheese sandwich.

Flawlessly swing between the branches of jungle trees in only a loin cloth.

Use his abs to grate a fine mozzarella cheese onto my baked lasagna.

Fold his agile limbs into a tight ball and fit into my pocket.

Snap my neck with the brute force of industrial-strength butt muscles.

Slice through wood using only the strength of his jaws and teeth.

Strum a Beyoncé song on the string-like hairs below his belly button.

Fold a fitted sheet (requires intense flexibility).