1. Take up a new hobby, like balloon-animaling or rock-collecting or, I don’t know, bugs. Then talk to all the boring people who care about the same boring shit as you.
2. Scream into a plastic bag in the park and wait until someone is like, “Same, man.” Boom. Friend.
3. Hate everything and be vocal about it so other people can be like, “Yo, I hate those things, too! Let’s hate them together as people who occasionally text and eat together!” (Examples of common things to hate: wet styrofoam, food portions at fancy restaurants, soap that doesn’t make suds, alphabet soup with a disproportionate number of vowels.)
4. Meet people from the Internet. You’ll either be murdered or you’ll end up with a new friend. You decide which outcome is preferable.
5. Go up to a stranger on the train and say, “Hello sir or madam, I am in search of a new friend with which to enjoy companionship and merriment, would you mayhaps agree to such a role?” Collect friends.
6. Take a cooking class or some shit.
7. Go for a walk alone and hope a kind stranger takes pity on you.
8. Go down to the van by the river. The man inside will be your friend, but only if you agree to put on his lipstick.
9. Join a birdwatching group and befriend an old man named Elb who will promise you he can do magic if you come down to his basement.
10. Join a book club.
11. Compliment a complete stranger on the sidewalk by saying something friendly like “you have the smoothest calves I’ve ever seen on a grown man” and then step back before you get hit in the face with some big, fat, throbbing friendship.
12. Get comfortable with going to a bar by yourself, even if all you’re doing is dining on the unlimited hot wing buffet. Talk to strangers who are there for similar reasons.
13. Just, I don’t know, imagine one. That was enough when you were a kid, why you gotta be so needy about it now?
14. Get a cat and start your inevitable path towards spinster-ship early. Join your local cat lady collective.
15. Get stranded on an island and form an emotional and physical bond with a piece of wreckage that will serve as the closest thing you have to a human connection until you die.
16. Join a gym if you’re that desperate.
17. Befriend the flock of pigeons that hangs out around the McDonald’s play place around the corner.
18. Join a cult.
19. Make a YouTube channel. Because literally anybody can make a YouTube channel and suddenly you’re friends with all the YouTube people, apparently.
20. Go to the airport dressed as a driver with a sign that says “Marcus.” Wait around for a Marcus, convince him to get into your car, then tell him he’s your new friend while you’re speeding down the highway to the time share you bought together.
21. Befriend one of those toys that starts off as a little capsule but then you put it in hot water and it grows into a sponge animal. They make people versions.
22. Befriend the mysterious sea monster that lives in the lake outside of your stepdad’s summer cabin.
23. Get into some weird new musician, like Gavin DeGraw, and bond with all the other Gavin DeGraw fans.
24. Go to the discotheque.
25. Befriend the cashier at Bed, Bath & Beyond who won’t give you 20 percent off without a coupon but if you come back with a coupon and your receipt, customer service can give you your money back.
26. Plant a tree and then wait 20 to 30 years for it to grow into a friend.
27. List a large item on eBay, like a handcrafted chifferobe or perhaps an elegant floor lamp. When someone buys it, get into a box and literally mail yourself instead. Legally, they have to keep you.
28. Befriend a farm pig that you intended to raise for slaughter except, instead of slaughtering her, you fall in love.
29. Buy one. Just buy a new friend. It’s the only chance you have.