How To Convince Your Delivery Man You’re An Entire Family And Not Just One Very Hungry, Lonely Man

1. Order enough food for an entire family.

2. Request five sets of cutlery and 300 napkins. Tell the restaurant they’re for your “crowded home of hungry children” and not for you, the disgusting monster that keeps a drawer of endless restaurant silverware and napkins overflowing instead of purchasing real kitchen essentials of your own.

3. Stuff a few garbage bags with newspaper and arrange them like humans around your dinner table, forcing them into clothes for extra effect. Dim the lights so the delivery man thinks your table is surrounded by loved ones who dine with you and not horrifying garbage monsters you invented to keep you from feeling alone.

4. When he arrives at your door, look the delivery man straight in the face and tell him, “This isn’t all for me. Oh, you thought this was all for me? No. No no no. This is for my family, which is… real. Like, a whole real family. All this food will be consumed by multiple real humans and not just me, sitting alone in the dark, surrounded by garbage monster I dressed to look like humans.” He will believe you. He has no choice.

5. Give the delivery man pictures of stock photo children you’ll tell him are yours. Make sure you choose children who look like they can knock back a full meal, not just any bag of bones. Give them believable names like “HENRIETTA” or “CHARTREUSE.” Tell the delivery man you love them as he hands you the food you’ll feast upon alone, surrounded by cold, empty air.

6. Consume all the food at once. An entire family wouldn’t leave leftovers, so neither should you.