Hello hot guys who have Instagram,
First of all, thank you for existing. Your very beautiful presence on this earth is a delight, and I’d like to offer you my personal thanks for the services you provide our planet. Your beefy thighs and chiseled abs do not go unnoticed, and you deserve our thanks and praise. Unless you’re, like… one of those jackasses who suddenly decides he’s gonna be a DJ and puts himself on all those nightclub posters with the crazy text that’s like “FUCK UR PARENTS COME DANCE FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY!!!!!!”Just… Nobody asked for you. You do nothing for this world. Please cease doing whatever you’re doing.
But. For all you hot guys who aren’t insufferable douches, I’d like to thank you for the gifts you offer this world and offer you a little gift of my own: A list of suggestions for how to better please the masses with your glistening slabs of man meat.
Thank you for your time.
LIST OF REQUESTS FOR HOT GUYS ON INSTAGRAM IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT, I MEAN, IT’S YOUR BODY, I’M JUST AN ADMIRER OF IT AND THINK I CAN HELP BUT IT’S TOTALLY UP TO YOU IF YOU FEEL ME:
1. Please stop taking pictures at the gym. Just… Listen to me. I know you think we like to see you doing your thing. And trust me, I don’t mind a little sweaty pic here and there. But trust that I am not interested in knowing how that sausage is made. i just want a lil taste of the final product.
2. Please stop taking pictures of whatever juices you’re currently drinking. I get it. You’re on a juice cleanse, like, all the time and I’m not cleanse ever and you’re just living the LA lifestyle while I shit out my fifth hamburger. Just drink your goddamn juice and let me live my life.
3. This should go without saying, but like, why are you wearing a shirt? Is it winter? I don’t care. What are you even hot for? To wear shirts all the time? I don’t think so. Again, it’s totally your choice, but you’re doing this world a disservice by keeping your puppies caged.
4. For best results, remove your shirt and then get a cat. Or better yet, a puppy. Then let it lick you so I can share that shit and pretend like I’m sharing it for the puppy and not because I secretly want to put you in a cage and feed you mini carrots from my bare palm.
5. Um. Yeah. Other outfits I’ll accept besides shirtless: Shirtless but with jeans, shirtless but with underwear, shirtless but with just a towel, shirtless but with just a sheet.
6. Clean your goddamn mirror before you take a selfie. Just because you’re a beautiful peach blessing this world with your supple peachness doesn’t mean you can shit on the rest of us with our goddamn filth.
7. Don’t rub your girlfriend or boyfriend in my face, just let me believe in US, ya know?
8. Please stop taking that one picture where you’re in bed and you just woke up and your one arm is behind your bed head and you’re all sleepy eyed but you’re flexing. Just. ENOUGH. I’ve seen it. We’ve all seen it.
9. If you, like, HAVE to take a picture in your bed, maybe make sure there’s not not a giant chocolate stain on it because my mind WILL draw conclusions.
10. Go outside. Seize the day. Take your shirt off in public.
11. Love me.
Again, thank you for your time and for the natural resources you provide this earth.