7 Things You Probably Shouldn’t Announce On The Internet Or Possibly Ever

1. “Sad to report that Leopold, the malformed mole growing in the moistest crevice of my armpit, finally ruptured last night at approximately 4:13 a.m. Turns out, Leopold wasn’t actually a mole at all, but an ingrown freckle with an angry attitude. I’ll miss Leopold dearly, as I would any close friend, and I thank you for keeping both of us in your prayers all this time.”

2. “So happy to announce that, as of this morning, I’m finally a grandmother! Our rescued three-legged chihuahua, Charlemagne The Third, gave birth to three beautiful, healthy puppies. Unfortunately, she suffered some nasty second degree vaginal tears in the process, but Dave was able to patch her right back up with our pharmacy sewing kit.”

3. “Excited to announce that my lunch today will be three seedless grapes, a funnel cake, two and a half leftover slices of pizza, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with only the crusts, and a diet hawaiian punch.”

4. “Really delighted to report that I have, in fact, been sporting an erection lasting longer than four hours. I’ve contacted the proper authorities, but wanted to loop everybody else in as I embark on this new chapter in my life. With your help, I’m sure we can get to four, five, maybe even six, hours of erection.”

5. “Been waiting so long to tell everybody this, and I can finally make the announcement today: Next month, I’ll be joining Girl Scout Troop 4993 as the first ever Den Father. It’s taken months of legal action to make this happen, but I’m proud to say my dream of peddling chocolate mint cookies to potheads is finally becoming a reality. Thank you for support, and I look forward to showing you all pictures of me in my Den Father dress in the weeks to come.”

6. “Absolutely ecstatic to announce that my body has been consistently producing a pool of sweat in the area between my genitals and my butthole. I’d started calling the puddle “Ariel,” for she reminds me of the sea.“

7. “So, so thrilled to let you all know that I’ve spent the last six hours at the gym, absolutely ripping into my muscles, beating the absolute living shit out of them. My entire body is throbbing after the thrashing I just gave it. Just wanted to let you all know that I do this for you, so that I can tell you I go to the gym to forge my muscles like a blacksmith forging a heavy hammer. So. You’re welcome for me going to the gym.”